Subway Seven - My Work My Challenge My Vice

If you see me troubled, I'm not crazy. If you see me intoxicated, i'm not ill, just trying to cope. You can ask me how I am but please dont' tell me to run. You don't have to state the obvious because I know I'm trapped, a prisoner of war, into deep with negative emotions. I'm an anxious vigilante whose heart goes boom boom boom whenever i hear their heavy breathing or foot steps. I close my eyes and try to sleep, desperately trying to let go but I hear their satanic words and feel their rage. They're in my head. I try to climb out of this hole but keep falling deeper. They're in my skin. They put me in suspense, keeping me honest. I can't seem to face the fire so I drink more than I should and think more than I must and how i disappoint myself. But no need to worry because with friends like jack daniel and bailey at my side, how can i not be ok.

Subway Seven - My Work. My Drug. My Addiction - 1

My Work My Drug My Addiction. I've got to have it. It don't matter how bad it is for the health. It Gives me the rush that i need to feel good about myself but i know i'm only killing myself. The lack of sleep, the lack of food, driving myself to an early death. People see my at large, immune to the exhaustion but if they can only see the thoughts that run through my head. I try to right the wrong but i know no better but to go back to the habit. In my work do I seek refuge. My Work, my addiction, it's the only thing that makes sense. My Work, My Drug my solace. Give it to me one last time and I promise to stop.

My stay by the Numbers

November 7, 40 days after arriving back from Manila. I've drank at least 40 red bulls to match each day. Jet Lag no longer. 10189 days old. Newport has been my home for 387 days.
Been working for 8 years but feels like 11 years if I include overtime.
Weight is stabilized at 158lbs
Been to church 4 times.
Been to the Gym 20 times since I got here.
Number of alochol cocktail drinks - 12
Number of Friends - TBD.
I bought 2 books - Working with you is killing me and 1 minute Manager.
Number of songs in IPOD - 736
How many people were appreciative of my efforts since I got here - 2

Jet Lag Chronicles #3

It's been a week since i got here and i have to say that things have been a whole lot better for me. I would say that I'm less homesick which was something i'd never thought would happen but I'm still a little crazy as always. It's funny when i tell people that I'm homesick, they would ask if i'm missing a particular person and they sound very disappointed when i tell them "no".

I've been taking my over the counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep and I can tell you that never underestimate these sleeping pills. I slept for 15 hrs last saturday night to sunday afternoon and it was probably due to doubling the dosage. I felt that taking 1 sleeping pill a night wasn't getting the job done, after that incident i will never do it again. The last thing i want to happen is sleep for 24 hrs straight. On the other hand I have to say that this sleeping pills are great, they make you drowsy in a span of 30 mins and *boom* you're out. I'm going to have to take some home the next time i fly back to Manila to prevent those jet lag.

During this past week, i told myself that I need a job that won't drive me crazy, i need people that won't drive me crazy and it was great to have asked the questions i needed to ask people. Just too many questions going through my head and it was nice to get answers. Don't get me wrong it may not be answers that I wanted to hear but they're answers good enough to keep my sanity.

I've been going to the gym alot lately as well, 5 times last week which is an all time high for me, my goal is to gain back the muscle mass i loss back home. I've been taking nutrilite double x vitamins and drinking a lot of red bull and i think that is the reason why my urine has been very very yellowish. With my appetite missing in action, gaining back those loss lbs, will be a challenge. I've actually cut done my food consumption by 50% but alcohol consumption is up 50%. Hey, whatever you need to get you through the day. So, to cut to the chase, i'm going to track my weight gain progress through this blog. I'm currently 157lbs, target weight for next week is 158.5lbs.

Before i end this post, the one thing that bothered me the past week are people's comment on how young i looked. I didn't want it to be the reason good work opportunities are not given to me. Even for Manila standards, people are very surprised to find out that I'm a manager, they think i'm a newly rolled in senior developer. This is all strange to me especially when I feel like such an old soul. So, i'm thinking of shaving my head off (as mentioned in my previous blog entry), to add three years extra. We'll see how that goes. People say that shaving your head off, is to mark a new beginning or change or maybe it's just saying you're simply crazy. We'll find out soon enough.

Jet Lag Chronicles - #2

I Wake up in the middle of the night with a sense of disorientation, i take a look around my surroundings and I'm feeling tired and bored with myself. I take a look at the virtual universe knocking on the doors of floating souls living their lives. I need to hear voices, is there anyone out there to listen. I find myself taking a hit to keep me going and alive. And as I sit here getting older by the minute, i can't help to think that all this maybe an illusion to what is real.

What was meant to be a 10 day journey is still ongoing. All i wanted was to find my way home instead I ended up at another place nowhere. I've not changed but i know i'm not the same. I can't let this stop me from staying hungry to succeed and though i'm starving to make it through the day brightly I fear that I'm missing the fire in my belly. Where is that mystery train? please take me back to where I once was, the way I've always wanted it and bounce me back from this haze.

Jet Lag Chronicles

I've decided I'm going to change the title of my blog posts to jet lag chronicles. It's another day and my body has yet to adjust to the eastern timezone. I'm very concern that the rigors of having to adjust to the Hong Kong Time and then eastern time in a span of 2 weeks is confusing my body clock more than ever. If I'm still not able to sleep well by the end of the week, i may have to get some over the counter sleeping pills to help me snooze. Either way, i find it very interesting waking up at this time of the day. The night is peaceful and very solemn so i might as well enjoy it.

The weather is beginning to get cold as well. My face is beginning to peel from the coolness of the weather which is great because i don't have to go to the dermatologist and pay to get peeling services. Speaking of the physical, i've been going to the gym for the past couple of days and last monday i weighed in at 156lbs. I had lost a total of 8 lbs since september 19th. If you look at my serendipity picture i looked very healthy but not right now. All those sweating and late nights in Manila plus no ice cream contributed to the weight loss. Jet Li even went as far as to say that my eyes look sick. Well, i hope i get my appetite back and sleep better. I have no doubt in my mind that i'm going to gain all the weight back in a couple of weeks during which time, I will be getting a new haircut clipper #4 because hair cut here in the U.S. is very expensive and there's no guarantee that you'll be getting a great hair cut. A good hair cut here would cost something around 40USD and that includes a little tsansing from your hair stylist, in english that would be some free sampling if you know what I mean. So, I'm not really keen on paying that much to get that kind of service.

Finally work yesterday was very stressful, I find it very rude and disturbing to have to hear from other people about your fate in the project. Why do i always have to be the last to know. This thing always happen and it's very sucky! But, again I decided to take some initiative and I'm happy that I was able to get to the bottom of the reality of what is actually happening.

&%*($

There is nothing more sad in the world than to be sad but not know why you're sad. I smile but deep inside I'm not happy. Its frustrating to have to be awake in the middle of the night and have to search to speak with someone to fill in that gap. Why is it that after achieving so much success, you still can't help to see what you don't have. I guess it's human nature.

Soliloquy : My 10 day journey

I Went to a home where life is full
I Went to a town where past was like the present only better
I went to a city where the future is fast approaching
I went to a place that has been burnt down and folks let down

I met people who made me smile and lighted me up
I met people who exceeded my expectations
I met people who were jaded
I met people who made me realized what life is all about

It was tiring physically but of great comfort to be around your support group
It was great to have the familiarity of my surroundings
It was awful to have to feed off negative energy
It was time well spent with memories that will last a life time

Someday I'll make my way home again
But for now I have my life to live here in America
I gotta a dream to feed
I gotta soul to fill
I gotta find hope for others
I gotta lead this life for others who only have this in drawing

Why I love the williams sisters!

During Wimbledon 2007, they asked venus williams if she is going to win wimbledon. Her response was that if she didn't say herself, she probably have low self esteem.

Having said that, I hate it when people undermine my abilities. yes I look like a high school kid but this lad is full of hope and passion which is more than most people will ever have. Eternal determination unmatched. If only they knew, while the "old and wise" make continuing mistakes the "young and naive kid" is taking down notes learning from their wrong judgements. It's a great thing that i have high confidence to brush off negative comments from my very own seniors. Where's the spirit guys? Where is the trust?

My Philosophy:- To be the best, you have to believe that you are the best. In cases where in you are not at your best, you still have to believe that your best will turn up.